The paradox called me...

So today I had a "life assessment." Basically, I got to sit in the only air conditioned office at the clinic and answer questions like, "how has your sleep been?" and "have you taken any street drugs?"

So here's the paradox. My life has improved considerably in the past month:

• Two out of three lost friends have been regained
• I'm sort of seeing a normal very nice guy
• I'm going on vacation in less than four days
• etc.

But the low grade (very low grade, I assured her) depression is due to the fact that I'm processing the fact that my life has improved.

And to her, I was just a number. She didn't want to know that this is the most stressful time of the year for Children's Librarians. Or that a cute guy paid for my grilled cheese sandwich on Sunday. Or that I'm off to Montana in a few days.

And I get to go back and see her (or someone like her) again in three months! Yippee! Does that mean the study is continuing?

Off to wash hair, do dishes (they smell RANK) and possibly throw a load of wash before I go to work.

I got miniature roses at Whole Foods. They are (of course) pink. They are staring at me on the desk opposite my computer. I love them. If my camera was communicating with my computer, I might take a picture. I'll get back to you on that one...

Third week--pre-PMS

WEEK 3: Cautious & Caring (from FourWeeks Mag.)

This week lasts from Day 14 (or ovulation) to Day 22 of your monthly cycle. Your estrogen and testosterone start off by dropping, but by Day 18, they rise again. Progesterone, a sedating hormone that also boosts the urge to nurture, rises steadily throughout the week. This week's hormonal combination is increasing your desire to be safe, improve your health, cook (or order in), eat comfort foods, shop for items that make your home more comfortable, budget, stick to what's traditional and do quiet-low key activities either alone or with a special friend.

***************

Um yeah. I'm all worried about packing but also about my diet (not losing weight, but what to eat so that the PMS and UMS* symptoms are less, as I'll be in PMS during the Montana trip and UMS during July 4th week, when my parents come to Pgh.)

So now is the time to re-evaluate my supplements, etc.

And I'd so much rather be at home curled up with a book or a movie, eating bon bons than be at work...

*UMS stands for Ugly Mood Swings and is my personal euphemism for The Red Tent.

No, no no!

Okay, I realize yesterday I was in a futz (is that a word) but I'm no longer and oof!

I am HAPPY that I am 35. I love being 35. I'm just at a relationship cul de sac.

So...in keeping with yesterday's theme--if I'm the one you hate because I don't get fat and I don't care, I'm also the one you hate because I look 28 at 35. And I wouldn't want to be younger--I learn things the hard way (is there any other way?) and so I would much rather push forward than step back.

But thanks for sharing.

Officially in the Red Tent now.

Unattractive thirty five year old woman rants...

You may be looking for a way to boost your attractiveness today as plunging estrogen and testosterone decrease the confidence you have in your appearance. For an easy—and surprising—way to boost your beauty, wear a grapefruit-scented perfume or moisturizer. It'll instantly make others perceive you as 10 years younger than you are, according to a study from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. (Hormonology, from Four Weeks Magazine)

I'm one of those women you love to hate. I don't seem to gain weight and I don't really care. I don't agonize over fat legs or fleshy arms (although, yes, now that I checked, the arms do have a wiggle...)

So when I feel unattractive, it's more like, I can't find A THING to wear. Which at the moment isn't the issue because most of my clothes are dirty, I'm lucky to find a clean t-shirt, AND THAT'S WHAT I WEAR. (Sorry for shouting...)

When I feel unattractive, I doubt my abilities: as a friend, as a librarian, as...

I do need a haircut. Josie, one of the other kids' librarians, now goes to the beauty school, where haircuts are really cheap, but part of my haircut is catching up with my stylist. She's NOT cheap. But she knows what I'm trying to do with my hair--if I went to someone new, I'd have to explain...

I remember in a short story about a teacher who was getting married. One of her students asked her what it would be like, and twenty (or more) years later, this is what echoes: I'll never spend five dollars on lipstick again.

NH Sally and I have a running argument. If it was funny, it would be a running gag. But it's her twist on "here's why you don't want to get married/have a boyfriend/get close." Which I don't buy. She has a house, three lovely kids, a wonderful husband. A two car garage. While I understand that that might feel too much a lot of the time, would she REALLY trade it for what I have? She's not an unhappy woman, (I've met them), she just thinks she is. (Don't I have it all figured out for her? It's so neat as opposed to messy to look at someone else's life and do an inventory...)

I want the whole package. And I understand that when you have the whole package: the relationships, the things that tie you down, you also have times when you want to kill the other person or persons. But that subsides. And I would rather, any day of any week have relationships where I feel comfortable to express my irritation (most recently, the parents) than not ever get close enough to get the rest: the hugs, the history...the whole package. So when I want to scream because my mother is saying that thing she always says (hmm, or that NH Sally is playing the same tune) I remind myself that I love the relationship, even if the person in it right now is driving me UP A WALL.

Easy to say from the comfort of my garret. But I'm sorry, being 35 1/2 (my half birthday was two days ago) and being single and going to YOUNGER women's weddings and showers is really bumming me out. (well, only one shower, but I have the possibility of two soon: one baby and one wedding.) And while I realize the point of a wedding shower is to invite folks that might not be invited to the wedding, that is just CRUEL. Send me an invite to the ceremony. I'll buy you a gift for that. I don't need a place setting at the reception, I'll just watch you say your vows. That costs you nothing but postage and however much an invitation goes for these days. I am tired of e-vites. MAIL. A real envelope.

I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON/EVENING AMONG WOMEN AT A SHOWER. And take time off work--there is noone I know right now that isn't married that is worth that. Showers are designed for married women. Lucky for me that most showers are Saturday afternoons. Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't take off work. Which is the truth wrapped in a half-lie. I have the most flexible schedule of anyone l know. It's true, I CAN'T go to a certain event this weekend b/c I would have had to have traded hours with someone, but let's look at my track record: I took this past Saturday afternoon off so that I could go to a WEDDING. Not a party about a wedding, and I didn't even go to the reception because it was more important to see my parents than to eat food with friends. I don't know if there was dancing. I can feel my mood escalating...

See? I haven't even looked in the mirror yet this morning, and I feel plenty unattractive in my state of life. I'm going for a walk.

This explains EVERYTHING!

(Well, not EVERYTHING, but it does explain some things...)

Today's hormone-cast: If friends and loved ones wish you were happier during your premenstrual days, there's good news: they can help perk up your mood! How? By doing things that increase the mood-lifting brain chemicals serotonin and endorphins, such as giving you a neck massage, bringing you a bouquet of your favorite flowers or surprising you with a sweet treat. So how can they all know it's time for your pampering? With PMSBuddy.com, a new free online service that makes it easy for anyone to keep track of your cycle! It even emails PMS reminders. Now they have no excuses!

Yeah, um, that's okay. I don't think I need the world to know when I'm getting PMS or UMS (Ugly Mood Swings). I remember one boyfriend who knew my cycle better than me and always cooked me lasagna (as I had shared that I often had cravings for Italian food.) When he told me what he was up to, I was pretty wierded out. I mean, I guess that's more like a husband level thing, not "we've been dating less than one year."

What part of "Gets Better" don't you understand?

I'm on what? My sixth cold of the year? Someone shoot me now...

Yes, I'm calling my doctor today.

And buying more Zicam.

Hormone-cast: check out my new link on the left!

So yesterday I discovered a new website that speaks to the EXACT place I am right now: The Red Tent. The website is hormonology, and it sponsors an online magazine called Four Weeks.

So, based on whatever week you're in, you get a "hormone-cast" which I feel better about that thinking of it as a horoscope.

This is mine for today: Give in to your rising estrogen urges to be silly today—for instance, dance in the kitchen, sing your favorite song at the top of your lungs or prepare a romantic picnic in your living room!

That must be why I am finding every commercial hysterical. Oh, and Matt is in Dubai. (I was so wrong, I thought Beijing from the clue.) The website still has him in Bhutan, but tune in later.

Just so this time I get a t-shirt...