Unattractive thirty five year old woman rants...

You may be looking for a way to boost your attractiveness today as plunging estrogen and testosterone decrease the confidence you have in your appearance. For an easy—and surprising—way to boost your beauty, wear a grapefruit-scented perfume or moisturizer. It'll instantly make others perceive you as 10 years younger than you are, according to a study from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. (Hormonology, from Four Weeks Magazine)

I'm one of those women you love to hate. I don't seem to gain weight and I don't really care. I don't agonize over fat legs or fleshy arms (although, yes, now that I checked, the arms do have a wiggle...)

So when I feel unattractive, it's more like, I can't find A THING to wear. Which at the moment isn't the issue because most of my clothes are dirty, I'm lucky to find a clean t-shirt, AND THAT'S WHAT I WEAR. (Sorry for shouting...)

When I feel unattractive, I doubt my abilities: as a friend, as a librarian, as...

I do need a haircut. Josie, one of the other kids' librarians, now goes to the beauty school, where haircuts are really cheap, but part of my haircut is catching up with my stylist. She's NOT cheap. But she knows what I'm trying to do with my hair--if I went to someone new, I'd have to explain...

I remember in a short story about a teacher who was getting married. One of her students asked her what it would be like, and twenty (or more) years later, this is what echoes: I'll never spend five dollars on lipstick again.

NH Sally and I have a running argument. If it was funny, it would be a running gag. But it's her twist on "here's why you don't want to get married/have a boyfriend/get close." Which I don't buy. She has a house, three lovely kids, a wonderful husband. A two car garage. While I understand that that might feel too much a lot of the time, would she REALLY trade it for what I have? She's not an unhappy woman, (I've met them), she just thinks she is. (Don't I have it all figured out for her? It's so neat as opposed to messy to look at someone else's life and do an inventory...)

I want the whole package. And I understand that when you have the whole package: the relationships, the things that tie you down, you also have times when you want to kill the other person or persons. But that subsides. And I would rather, any day of any week have relationships where I feel comfortable to express my irritation (most recently, the parents) than not ever get close enough to get the rest: the hugs, the history...the whole package. So when I want to scream because my mother is saying that thing she always says (hmm, or that NH Sally is playing the same tune) I remind myself that I love the relationship, even if the person in it right now is driving me UP A WALL.

Easy to say from the comfort of my garret. But I'm sorry, being 35 1/2 (my half birthday was two days ago) and being single and going to YOUNGER women's weddings and showers is really bumming me out. (well, only one shower, but I have the possibility of two soon: one baby and one wedding.) And while I realize the point of a wedding shower is to invite folks that might not be invited to the wedding, that is just CRUEL. Send me an invite to the ceremony. I'll buy you a gift for that. I don't need a place setting at the reception, I'll just watch you say your vows. That costs you nothing but postage and however much an invitation goes for these days. I am tired of e-vites. MAIL. A real envelope.

I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON/EVENING AMONG WOMEN AT A SHOWER. And take time off work--there is noone I know right now that isn't married that is worth that. Showers are designed for married women. Lucky for me that most showers are Saturday afternoons. Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't take off work. Which is the truth wrapped in a half-lie. I have the most flexible schedule of anyone l know. It's true, I CAN'T go to a certain event this weekend b/c I would have had to have traded hours with someone, but let's look at my track record: I took this past Saturday afternoon off so that I could go to a WEDDING. Not a party about a wedding, and I didn't even go to the reception because it was more important to see my parents than to eat food with friends. I don't know if there was dancing. I can feel my mood escalating...

See? I haven't even looked in the mirror yet this morning, and I feel plenty unattractive in my state of life. I'm going for a walk.