No, no no!

Okay, I realize yesterday I was in a futz (is that a word) but I'm no longer and oof!

I am HAPPY that I am 35. I love being 35. I'm just at a relationship cul de sac.

So...in keeping with yesterday's theme--if I'm the one you hate because I don't get fat and I don't care, I'm also the one you hate because I look 28 at 35. And I wouldn't want to be younger--I learn things the hard way (is there any other way?) and so I would much rather push forward than step back.

But thanks for sharing.

Officially in the Red Tent now.

Unattractive thirty five year old woman rants...

You may be looking for a way to boost your attractiveness today as plunging estrogen and testosterone decrease the confidence you have in your appearance. For an easy—and surprising—way to boost your beauty, wear a grapefruit-scented perfume or moisturizer. It'll instantly make others perceive you as 10 years younger than you are, according to a study from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. (Hormonology, from Four Weeks Magazine)

I'm one of those women you love to hate. I don't seem to gain weight and I don't really care. I don't agonize over fat legs or fleshy arms (although, yes, now that I checked, the arms do have a wiggle...)

So when I feel unattractive, it's more like, I can't find A THING to wear. Which at the moment isn't the issue because most of my clothes are dirty, I'm lucky to find a clean t-shirt, AND THAT'S WHAT I WEAR. (Sorry for shouting...)

When I feel unattractive, I doubt my abilities: as a friend, as a librarian, as...

I do need a haircut. Josie, one of the other kids' librarians, now goes to the beauty school, where haircuts are really cheap, but part of my haircut is catching up with my stylist. She's NOT cheap. But she knows what I'm trying to do with my hair--if I went to someone new, I'd have to explain...

I remember in a short story about a teacher who was getting married. One of her students asked her what it would be like, and twenty (or more) years later, this is what echoes: I'll never spend five dollars on lipstick again.

NH Sally and I have a running argument. If it was funny, it would be a running gag. But it's her twist on "here's why you don't want to get married/have a boyfriend/get close." Which I don't buy. She has a house, three lovely kids, a wonderful husband. A two car garage. While I understand that that might feel too much a lot of the time, would she REALLY trade it for what I have? She's not an unhappy woman, (I've met them), she just thinks she is. (Don't I have it all figured out for her? It's so neat as opposed to messy to look at someone else's life and do an inventory...)

I want the whole package. And I understand that when you have the whole package: the relationships, the things that tie you down, you also have times when you want to kill the other person or persons. But that subsides. And I would rather, any day of any week have relationships where I feel comfortable to express my irritation (most recently, the parents) than not ever get close enough to get the rest: the hugs, the history...the whole package. So when I want to scream because my mother is saying that thing she always says (hmm, or that NH Sally is playing the same tune) I remind myself that I love the relationship, even if the person in it right now is driving me UP A WALL.

Easy to say from the comfort of my garret. But I'm sorry, being 35 1/2 (my half birthday was two days ago) and being single and going to YOUNGER women's weddings and showers is really bumming me out. (well, only one shower, but I have the possibility of two soon: one baby and one wedding.) And while I realize the point of a wedding shower is to invite folks that might not be invited to the wedding, that is just CRUEL. Send me an invite to the ceremony. I'll buy you a gift for that. I don't need a place setting at the reception, I'll just watch you say your vows. That costs you nothing but postage and however much an invitation goes for these days. I am tired of e-vites. MAIL. A real envelope.

I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON/EVENING AMONG WOMEN AT A SHOWER. And take time off work--there is noone I know right now that isn't married that is worth that. Showers are designed for married women. Lucky for me that most showers are Saturday afternoons. Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't take off work. Which is the truth wrapped in a half-lie. I have the most flexible schedule of anyone l know. It's true, I CAN'T go to a certain event this weekend b/c I would have had to have traded hours with someone, but let's look at my track record: I took this past Saturday afternoon off so that I could go to a WEDDING. Not a party about a wedding, and I didn't even go to the reception because it was more important to see my parents than to eat food with friends. I don't know if there was dancing. I can feel my mood escalating...

See? I haven't even looked in the mirror yet this morning, and I feel plenty unattractive in my state of life. I'm going for a walk.

This explains EVERYTHING!

(Well, not EVERYTHING, but it does explain some things...)

Today's hormone-cast: If friends and loved ones wish you were happier during your premenstrual days, there's good news: they can help perk up your mood! How? By doing things that increase the mood-lifting brain chemicals serotonin and endorphins, such as giving you a neck massage, bringing you a bouquet of your favorite flowers or surprising you with a sweet treat. So how can they all know it's time for your pampering? With PMSBuddy.com, a new free online service that makes it easy for anyone to keep track of your cycle! It even emails PMS reminders. Now they have no excuses!

Yeah, um, that's okay. I don't think I need the world to know when I'm getting PMS or UMS (Ugly Mood Swings). I remember one boyfriend who knew my cycle better than me and always cooked me lasagna (as I had shared that I often had cravings for Italian food.) When he told me what he was up to, I was pretty wierded out. I mean, I guess that's more like a husband level thing, not "we've been dating less than one year."

What part of "Gets Better" don't you understand?

I'm on what? My sixth cold of the year? Someone shoot me now...

Yes, I'm calling my doctor today.

And buying more Zicam.

Hormone-cast: check out my new link on the left!

So yesterday I discovered a new website that speaks to the EXACT place I am right now: The Red Tent. The website is hormonology, and it sponsors an online magazine called Four Weeks.

So, based on whatever week you're in, you get a "hormone-cast" which I feel better about that thinking of it as a horoscope.

This is mine for today: Give in to your rising estrogen urges to be silly today—for instance, dance in the kitchen, sing your favorite song at the top of your lungs or prepare a romantic picnic in your living room!

That must be why I am finding every commercial hysterical. Oh, and Matt is in Dubai. (I was so wrong, I thought Beijing from the clue.) The website still has him in Bhutan, but tune in later.

Just so this time I get a t-shirt...

Day Two: Solutions

So today was Day Two, the dreaded day of the worst cramps. So yesterday I allowed myself a movie (In the Land of Women, yes, I cried) and today I scheduled a massage. Yes, a full body massage, and it was wonderful.

But it's doing nothing for my broken heart.

On a church placard board, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." Well, I feel like everyone is miles and miles away. I ache, my eyes need sleep, and my body resists sleep.

This too shall pass--it better!!!

Sarah Louise tries the 10 Essentials...

So Easter is almost over--I don't think I've had a more stressful Lenten season since--well, last year.

I take TriVita Sub-lingual B-12. It help n'stuff. I can't say exactly "it cured my eczema" or "I don't get depressed anymore" but I know that it helps. I was having all kinds of stomach stuff going on right around the time I started taking it and it helped.

I tend to stress. A LOT. And even though I know taking a walk in the morning is a great idea, I don't. I go straight to the computer. It's an addiction.

So, since the TriVita folks got my email addy a few months ago, I've started getting their newsletter on Saturdays. Usually I'm cataloguing and I don't have time to read (or I steal time to read, more likely, lately.) But today I'm on the reference desk without a definite project so I'm surfing, reading email, and yes, blogging.

So I surfed through the newsletter and found the TriVita 10 Essentials. (the title is a link, but here they are too):

1. breathe deeply
2. drink water
3. sleep peacefully
4. eat nutriously
5. enjoy activity
6. give and recieve love
7. be forgiving
8. practice gratitude
9. develop acceptance
10. develop a relationship with God

I was late today. I have no idea how I got my alarm clock to only work on Wednesdays and so I thought it would go off today--it DIDN'T.

A girl just came in with the most sparkly red shoes ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I've been pretty much a grouch the past week. Ever since my parents left, I've been playing catch up and I've been hormonal and needing more anti-depressants and....

I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE!

I WANT TO GET PAST THE GLOOM!

I WANT TO NOT GET COLDS EVERY MONTH!

So...breathe deep--I have a real problem with breathing.

Drink water, I can do that.

Sleep--I've got that one down. It's 4-10 that I have problems with, you know, on a CONSISTENT basis.

Anyways...maybe I'll go try to find a project to work on.